Where Fear and Wonder Collide

I so easily go back and forth, back and forth with the whole idea of marriage…. companionship. I so desperately want it, but so desperately fear it at the same time. I find myself daydreaming of the wonder that is in a solid, God-appointed relationship. Soon after, I convince myself it's not for me. It's too risky, too lofty, too unattainable.

It is etched on my heart to be a wife, a mother. There's little I want more than to hold our baby in my arms… and to be held by my lover. At the age of 24, my heart fears that this is an unreachable dream. I know, to many, it would seem this is still young, but I can't help but feeling the way I do. I feel quite hopeless at the thought of never having had a "boyfriend" or a first kiss or whatever. I pray hope is not lost.

As I type this, I feel that God is ministering to my worn-out, tired, hurt, little heart. He has created my heart. He knows my deepest longings, my most hidden desires. He knows, also, that my heart loves fiercely. If I could help it, I'd never ever lose a friend… let alone a lover. He hasn't put any men in my life to save my heart the pain. For if he is not "the one" for me, than I don't know that I could have been strong enough to end it. Had he ended it, my heart may not have recovered from the rejection. My, my… I am about as sensitive as they come.

Although my heart is soft, the walls around it are nearly impermeable. I've carefully added each brick to safely secure my heart from trauma. After much careful construction, I've begun to notice it's effect. It surely keeps out the bad… but it also keeps out any good trying to get in. My deep love for people is being hindered as I stubbornly hold that wall up high. "Can't risk getting hurt." Living this way, only produces one thing… loneliness.

Oh God, teach me to love extravagantly… boldly… deeply. May I be assured that You alone hold my heart and will carefully protect it when needed, but also reveal it when it's safe to do so. I resolve to trust. I realize this is a daily battle and am up for the fight. For You are my valiant warrior. You've stolen my heart. May I be so completely lost in YOU. Amen.