Agape... love.

I recently got my first tattoo!! I've been talking about doing it for forever, but finally got the guts. On a weekend trip to Austin with my "sistas", we decided to just do it! We each had an idea of what we wanted and kept throwing ideas around. Since I am leaving the country soon, we really wanted to get a tattoo that meant something to each of us to be our "sista tattoos". ;) Well, all the back and forth with trying to decided what to get and where.... we ended up changing our minds on the spur of the moment while in the parlor. Best un-thought-out idea I've made.

αγάπη (agápē) - Greek for Unconditional Love

I have been so delightfully surprised at the number of people who are intrigued by my new tat. I get so many inquiries and feedback from strangers, which is the best! My barista at Starbucks today was very curious what it meant and I was thrilled to tell him, of course. When I told him, he got really excited and just went off about how his mother had just recently told him about the different greek words for love and how they all differ. He said, "Agape is my favorite. I've found that it is more unbiased than eros. Agape love is the best kind." I couldn't agree more. Eros is the romantic type of love involving attraction and whatnot. For this kind of love, there are prerequisites. With the Agape form of love, it's unconditional, unbiased, true. There's nothing that causes or diminishes Agape.

I desperately hope that I can be a true example and carrier of Agape love. May I love wildly, openly and without bias.

Where Fear and Wonder Collide

I so easily go back and forth, back and forth with the whole idea of marriage…. companionship. I so desperately want it, but so desperately fear it at the same time. I find myself daydreaming of the wonder that is in a solid, God-appointed relationship. Soon after, I convince myself it's not for me. It's too risky, too lofty, too unattainable.

It is etched on my heart to be a wife, a mother. There's little I want more than to hold our baby in my arms… and to be held by my lover. At the age of 24, my heart fears that this is an unreachable dream. I know, to many, it would seem this is still young, but I can't help but feeling the way I do. I feel quite hopeless at the thought of never having had a "boyfriend" or a first kiss or whatever. I pray hope is not lost.

As I type this, I feel that God is ministering to my worn-out, tired, hurt, little heart. He has created my heart. He knows my deepest longings, my most hidden desires. He knows, also, that my heart loves fiercely. If I could help it, I'd never ever lose a friend… let alone a lover. He hasn't put any men in my life to save my heart the pain. For if he is not "the one" for me, than I don't know that I could have been strong enough to end it. Had he ended it, my heart may not have recovered from the rejection. My, my… I am about as sensitive as they come.

Although my heart is soft, the walls around it are nearly impermeable. I've carefully added each brick to safely secure my heart from trauma. After much careful construction, I've begun to notice it's effect. It surely keeps out the bad… but it also keeps out any good trying to get in. My deep love for people is being hindered as I stubbornly hold that wall up high. "Can't risk getting hurt." Living this way, only produces one thing… loneliness.

Oh God, teach me to love extravagantly… boldly… deeply. May I be assured that You alone hold my heart and will carefully protect it when needed, but also reveal it when it's safe to do so. I resolve to trust. I realize this is a daily battle and am up for the fight. For You are my valiant warrior. You've stolen my heart. May I be so completely lost in YOU. Amen.

"Savior" Mode.

How many times do you go into "savior" mode? I know I do... often. For some crazy reason beyond my knowledge, I've come to think that I can do something about almost anything. Make sense? Maybe not. I am learning [so much] lately to literally surrender my hopes and fears, my desires and what I think I need, and all the in between.

When something goes wrong in my family or with my friends, I automatically think "What can I do about this? How can I fix it? Surely I can make things right." Surely not. I am not the savior here... and never will be. This may just be the most difficult lesson to learn. For me, anyways. I want so badly to be able to take care of each person's hurts... all their lost dreams, broken hearts and deep wounds. Wake up call, Sarah: you can't heal. The One and Only person who can??? Yup, you guessed it... Jesus. Why is surrender so difficult?

I mean, I guess it all comes down to pride. It's prideful for me to think that I can save anyone from their circumstances, hurts or longings. Only Christ can do that, and do it well. I'm not (and never will be) cut out for that job. Wow. Takes a lot of pressure off. Now if only I can remember to remember this little lesson every single time.